five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
this hospital has no fireball
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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