I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
