The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
