He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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