I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
