i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Text me some of your sweat
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
