we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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