Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
