Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
