I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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