shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
