I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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