ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
