Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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