apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
