I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
