I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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