i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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