my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
