i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
