Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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