I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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