these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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