Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
