Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
