i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
