Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
