I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
