you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I love having hate sex.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
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There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
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Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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