forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He better not be in your backpack
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
