for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
