Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
