I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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