I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
