yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
