things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
