just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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