I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
