wanna go halves on a baby?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
