I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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