Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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