She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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