I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
