She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
