I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
