I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.