I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?