on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.