the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.