I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
