He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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