I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
