I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I need a beard to bite.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
