I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
