People in love make me want to vomit
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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