My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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