I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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