I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
