You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
