i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
