i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
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Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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