my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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