420 ftw
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
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To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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