I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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