I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
