Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
